I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
