your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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