The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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