everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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