Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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