sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
