So drunk its hurt
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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