I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
