yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
