I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
