Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
