Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
