apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
