Where did you get a picture of my penis
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
