I wanna bring you to show and tell
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
