I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
