I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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