Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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