If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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