Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
