I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
honey bunches of taint.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
