I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
