No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
