we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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