Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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