Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
