The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All the doctor said was why
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
