Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
