I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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