How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
