tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
