God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
