took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
