Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
