What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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