you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
