My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
