Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i out mim tonsoeep
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