I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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