i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
