you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
