she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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