Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
