I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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