My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
