Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
