Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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