What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
