I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I look better un-naked...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
