In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
